Some days, I wake up and forget for just a moment that my son is gone. Maybe he visited me in my dreams or maybe I heard a song he enjoyed–And then it hits me like a wave—Garet is not here, and he never will be again. The weight of that reality is suffocating. Some days, I don’t want to get out of bed. Some days, the grief is so overwhelming that I wonder how I am still breathing. But somehow, I keep going. Not because it’s easy, not because the pain is gone, but because I have no other choice. Because love doesn’t end with death. Because his siblings must see mom keeping it together no matter how painful it is. Because now I have to live for him.
There have been many days when I didn’t know how I would survive another hour, much less another day. Those days when simply breathing hurts. The first holiday without him was Valentine’s Day, and I am glad that was not a holiday that he cared for. The first birthday was just a week later. The first Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. The ordinary Tuesday that felt impossible because he wasn’t here. But in those moments, I’ve found small reasons to keep moving forward. I still have little hands reaching for me, voices calling “Mom.”. They need me, and oh, how I need them!
One of the hardest things after losing a child is feeling like the world is moving on without them. I remember how overwhelming it was the morning he passed, and I could hear my (other) son’s teacher continuing with the math lesson and how, at my worst moment in life, the world was still turning even while mine was a pile of rubble.
I keep Garet’s memory alive in everything I do. I say his name. The kids and I retell the same stories and laugh until we cry. We share his story. We raise awareness about fentanyl in the hopes that another family doesn’t have to go through this same nightmare. Somehow, keeping his memory alive helps me keep going. Our loss cannot be in vain. Garet matters. Your child matters too.
If you’re reading this and you feel like you can’t keep going—please know that you can, momma. As cliché as it is, you do have the strength to get through this, but you must give yourself grace in this process. You don’t have to do this alone. Grief is a heavy burden, but we carry it together. Love never dies, and neither does the impact our children have on this world and on our hearts. Keep saying their name. Keep holding onto the love. And on the days when it feels impossible, just take the next breath. You are not alone.
Love and Light ~Mandy
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